Billy Magnum and the Rape Train Consortium
by Uncle Noobtube
Summary: When Naruto and Sasuke are turned into badasses instead of insufferable twats, things start to get good. Revenge, romance, guns, action, space, bears, nipples, quantum mechanics, tanks, dinosaurs, old people, heterosexuality, fights, super soldiers, women's bathrooms, ghosts, cuneiform, fried chicken, explosions, and trains. Grand adventures await them. Rated M because reasons.
1. Prologue

Billy Magnum walked along the shimmering brook with his imposing posture. The water in the brook was clear; a salmon swam gracefully upwards through the shallow water. "How magnificent it is to see such determination even in the pure and glistening waters of this here brook." Billy Magnum thought out loud. The salmon continued his trek upstream, the bushes rustled. Out came a crazed brown bear, at a hulking 9 feet, foam cascading from its jowls like Aphrodite rising from the sea. In one leap the raging goliath cleared the 50 meters to the salmon and plunged its tempered, muscular arms into the brook. He tore the salmon in half flailing his head around as strips of entrails escaped out of his mouth and rained upon the innocent woodlands like confetti. Bloody mist filled the air and the stench of it could only be described as the smell of screams. The bear ripped a perfect rectangle of fur from his upper chest, exposing both of his erect nipples and shrieked like a banshee. Billy Magnum was snapped in place, incapable of moving a muscle as if the testosterone emitted by the fuzzy icon of destruction was like a neurotoxin. Billy Magnum finally regained motor function of his jaw and spoke "And how terrifying it is to witness the unforgiving improbabilities that our mindless universe of ordered chaos and chaotic order feasts upon."

The bear looked upon Billy Magnum, once again suspending the awestruck man in paralysis. Blood, to which shreds of gallbladder (oddly enough more than any other organ) suspended itself in, fell in crimson droplets to the dry ground, leaving to the future a clue to a massacre. The bear's demeanor was no longer of blazing fuckrage, but of a peculiar inquisitiveness. "You speak of existence and of the danger that the sentient face daily on this world, but your purpose in these woodlands, I sense, is far more mundane." The bear spoke. "You would be correct behemoth, my purpose is mundane." Billy Magnum replied. "I await the meeting of a mysterious man whose initials are B.B., I requested him by letter for a task to which the details I only wish to be known to him." The bear nodded, smiled, and spoke once more. "Not every self-aware being is a human. You have found him; reveal me your identity and I shall reciprocate." Billy Magnum raised an eyebrow and assembled his response. "I am the super sorcerer known to my colleagues as Billy Magnum. I'm a former professor of witchcraft at Hogwarts, but I resigned after some girl named Ebony or something showed up and turned everyone gothic." The bear, his conditions satisfied, declared his identity. "I am Brother Berenstain, the last surviving descendent of the Berenstain clan. Now, sadly, in hiding after my family was slain by a necrophiliac furry with a battle rifle." Billy Magnum was grinning ear to ear. "Excellent, I mean not the whole family being killed thing, but the fact I found you. Ready your ears, for I have much to explain." Billy Magnum said with a trace of giddiness. "But before you begin," Brother Berenstain interjected, "how, exactly, did this Ebony turn the school gothic?" Billy Magnum shrugged. "I don't know, some shit about fishnets."

"Actually," Brother Berenstain said "would you mind handing me that rectangle of fur that I ripped off in my righteous fuckrage? I'd like to cover my nipples again. The clouds are rolling in and it's starting to get a bit nippy out here." "Very well" Billy Magnum responded and moved towards the rectangle of fur that had escaped the blood shower unstained. Billy Magnum paused as he bent over. "Did you use nippy becau-" "Yes I used that word because my nipples are exposed." Brother Berenstain interrupted. Billy Magnum shrugged and tossed the mat of hair to Brother Berenstain who attempted to place the pelt back on his upper chest to no avail. Brother Berenstain growled in frustration and punched a tree which immediately exploded with the power of a cubic meter of RDX, showering the happy woodland creatures prancing about with a rain of shrapnel. Brother Berenstain noticed the lower half of a human body behind the remains of the tree posed face down (well, it would be considered face down if it still had a head, or a torso for that matter) with a Belgian Army standard issue Fabrique Nationale d'Herstal FAL battle rifle shoved firmly up the rectum of the corpse, the same one used to slay his beloved family. Deus ex machina had struck with surgical precision, for Brother Berenstain in his minor frustration had mutilated the necrophiliac furry who stole the lives of his parents and his siblings. "Get fucked." Brother Berenstain let out with a smirk. High up in one of the trees near the center of the blast, a wandering dryad drummer had set up her drum set on a very wide and sturdy branch. A massive shard of the exploded tree had impaled her through her stomach; her life was being sapped away with great haste. Suddenly, she heard the two words uttered by Brother Berenstain and knew what she had to do. Gathering the last of her strength she lifted her drumsticks and hit those three eternally celebrated keys. Badum-tish! The dryad fell lifeless and her eyes closed one final time before she became one with the forest.

Brother Berenstain dipped his pelt in the sap emanating from the stump of the former tree and glued it back onto his chest. "Finally it's back on; I've always felt self-conscious about my areolas." Brother Berenstain said "Now, about that task of yours." Billy Magnum took a deep breath and summoned forth his vocabulary. "Some years ago I visited a place deep in the forest, where the trees block all further progress, where the bushes ensnare and the ferns suffocate with their proximity. A village hidden by the leaves, called unimaginatively enough the Hidden Leaf Village. It is a place where 13-year-olds are trained as ninjas and nothing else; no youth to be seen in any other role as if like a gay Sparta. When I inquired with the locals about this program, they were always so quick to speak of two prodigies. One was called Naruto, whose hair was as fiery as his heart whom locked inside was the spirit of a nine-tailed fox, no idea why. He was apparently seen as a social outcast and damn, I could really see why. When I met him the guy shouted 'Believe it!' more than anything else and would not stop whoring for attention. He's an annoying little brat with an ego so massive in scale Kanye West would ask him to take it down a notch." Billy Magnum stopped to catch his breath and continued. "The other prodigy was called Sasuke and his entire clan was murdered by his older brother. He was the most insufferable and toxic person I've ever seen. That guy was lowering the property value of the entire neighborhood and with that depressing aura he made ME want to kill myself! To top it all off he had a chicken's ass for a haircut and was still somehow a massive hit with the ladies." Brother Berenstain nodded in comprehension. "So what do you want us to do?" Brother Berenstain asked. "Simple," Billy Magnum responded. "We find them, capture them, and make them into something that doesn't make me have to suck 10 dicks to feel less gay about."

Brother Berenstain looked up towards the canopies of the trees, the magnitude of the damage becoming apparent to him. He could see each shard of wood hammered into the trunks of the surviving trees and… a dryad on a drum set? "Wat" Brother Berenstain thought. Brother Berenstain looked down towards the ravaged cadaver of his would-be assailant, still sodomized by the military hardware. Brother Berenstain walked to the body and wrapped his hands around the stock of the FAL rifle and pulled with all of his might. It took him a few pulls before the firearm dislodged itself from the sphincter of the fallen turbonerd. The force he placed unto the rifle sent him flying backwards as the weapon finally came free. Brother Berenstain landed on a fully grown adult male deer, his ass falling directly onto the herbivore's head, dirtying the fur on his shapely buttocks with chunks of gray matter and cerebrospinal fluid. Brother Berenstain returned to his feet and inspected the rifle. The prostate was still latched upon the muzzle break of the FAL but with a quick flick of his fingers, Brother Berenstain sent the organ flying. Brother Berenstain looked over every component of the weapon before finally coming to the inside of the barrel. He released the magazine, cocked the weapon to expel the chambered round, looked in from the side of the chamber to ensure nothing else was in there before finally looking down the front end of the barrel. The barrel showed no obstructions or damage, in fact, neither did any other part of the weapon. It was good as new and ready to be used at any time. Brother Berenstain kneeled down to pick up the magazine but tripped on a limping bunny whose leg had been wounded by the tree shrapnel. Brother Berenstain ate shit and his hand slipped on the trigger, firing the weapon. Billy Magnum ran to Brother Berenstain, having observed him inspecting the weapon by a mostly undamaged tree, and took the rifle from the hands of Brother Berenstain. Billy Magnum was flabbergasted by the rifle; it had been completely unloaded before his eyes! On a hunch, Billy Magnum aimed the rifle down range and pulled the trigger 5 times and every time a round exited the barrel, each impacting an individual baby deer. Bambi is kill. "This gun fires ghost rounds," said Billy Magnum. Brother Berenstain crawled to the magazine of the rifle, grabbed it, and regained his footing. What he saw inside was two waffles both having been toasted perfectly by a specially designed heating coil. It was a waffle maker designed by the Belgian Waffle Wizards Guild. But only one rifle fired ghost rounds AND had an attached waffle maker. Billy Magnum ripped off a sticker that blended perfectly with the grayed carbon steel of the rifle's body, revealing the missing letter. It was an FN FALL (Ferocious Assault Lad Lacerater).

"Amazing," said Billy Magnum. "These aren't even on the free market yet." Billy Magnum handed Brother Berenstain the assault rifle. "So, Billy, I'm assuming for this little operation of yours I'm to be the muscle." Brother Berenstain inferred. "Not quite," Billy Magnum responded. "The rumors surrounding the mysterious B.B. were that no other man could best his sense of smell and his proficiency at playing the assflute. You were to help me track them down, but with your reveal as a fucking bear, especially now with you wielding this endlessly firing rape rifle, perhaps muscle can fit you as a secondary role." Brother Berenstain nodded. "My skills at the assflute have unfortunately atrophied from a lack of practice and a change in diet, but my nose remains powerful regardless. I will accompany you on your quest, friend." Billy Magnum smiled in triumphant resolve. Both stood there for a while waiting for any other wacky occurrences that might derail them. When none came, they began towards the Hidden Leaf Village.

The sun was at its highest peak of the day as the squad of teenaged ninjas gathered by the side of a ramen house. Their commander, an almost faceless man with gray, overly spiky hair known as Kakashi stood in front of them, signaling for attention. Attending him were his three pupils. The first, a girl known as Sakura with pink hair as short as her temper and green eyes that hides her inner anger behind a façade of innocence. The second, a pasty pale effeminate man known as Sai who was short on words and even shorter on fashion sense. The third was none other than Naruto Uzumaki, aged two and a half years since Billy Magnum had first come into contact with him, still extremely autistic. Kakashi began to speak. "Now with our assignment complete, I was thinking it was about time you guys got some R&R." Naruto could not contain himself any longer, he had to speak. "WHEN I GROW UP I WANNA BE HOKAGE!" Naruto screamed, his face clad with a teeth-baring smile that was too distant to be on this planet with his head and eyes shaking and twitching as if in a seizure. He faced the side wall of the ramen house and drove his head into the brick and mortar. "BELIEVE IT!" A massive shockwave exploded from Naruto's head, afflicting his squad mates with shell shock. The wall rocketed forwards through the ramen house and tore through the other supporting wall. The ramen house collapsed in less than a second. Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain observed it all from the rooftop of a nearby building. Billy Magnum lowered his binoculars and a glint of opportunity sparked in his eyes. "They're stunned, now's our chance!"

The duo went full Kenya as they bolted towards the epicenter of the blast. The surrounding ninjas were already converging on the location. Naruto was knocked out stone cold when they reached ground zero less than a few seconds later. "Let's not waste any time my friend, grab him and let's go!" Billy Magnum yelled towards Brother Berenstain. Brother Berenstain hoisted the unconscious Naruto onto his shoulders. A fellow ninja witnessing the kidnapping in progress jumped into the air and tossed three shurikens at the Brother Berenstain who subsequently swatted them. When the ninja landed, he drew a kunai and charged. Brother Berenstain punched the ninja so hard his face was relocated to the back of his head. The ninja would not go on to have a good life. Brother Berenstain and Billy Magnum joined each other in getting the fuck out of the Hidden Leaf Village. About five more minutes of running and eleven more ninja face reconstructions later, Brother Berenstain and Billy Magnum declared they were at minimum safe distance. "Alright Brother Berenstain, here's the next step," Billy Magnum began. "I'm going to cast a sleeping spell on Naruto, the basic stuff. We're going to have to head to the beachside and take a boat to my volcano lair. The stuff we need for the conversion is in my volcano office. I didn't bring a car so we'll have to take a taxi or bus there." Brother Berenstain repositioned Naruto on his shoulder as Billy Magnum begun casting his spell.

It was an exceedingly shitty bus ride to the coast, a hobo had vomited on Billy Magnum's lap and a severely obese woman had threatened to press charges against Brother Berenstain as he mistook her for a fellow bear. The bus finally stopped at a parking lot leading to the beach. Billy Magnum got off first, looking at the giant light brown stain on his robes and cringing at the noxious odor that lifted itself from the disaster zone. Brother Berenstain got off second, holding the rifle under his arm and Naruto over his shoulder. Brother Berenstain accidentally slammed Naruto's head against the top of the bus' door, muttering expletives the rest of the way down. The bus doors closed and the two comrades walked to the docks in order to rent a boat. It was not a long walk and before they knew it, they found a dealer. "We would like to rent a boat." Billy Magnum said. The dealer took a long look at the two individuals and took an even longer look at Naruto's unconscious body. "Listen, I'm not the one to pass up a sale, but I'm not gonna become an accomplice in a kidnapping. I'm going to call the police." The dealer drew out his cell phone which instantly deconstructed the very moment it became visible. The dealer tried his hardest to maintain control of his bowels and barely kept them from evacuating outright. He had picked a fight with a motherfucking sorcerer. "Did you hear there's going to be a story on the news tonight about a man getting shot to death by a giant sentient bear wielding a ghost rifle with his intestines turned to worms by a sorcerer?" Billy Magnum asked displaying a wide grin. "N-no." The dealer quivered. "You won't, but we will."

The boat ride to the volcano lair was only slightly more pleasant than the bus ride. The boat's leather seats were fraying and pieces of worn leather stuck out jagged in all places on the cushions. Brother Berenstain turned out to be prone to seasickness, and nearly flooded the deck with vomit as well as completely drenching and staining Billy Magnum's robes from head to toe. Billy Magnum made a mental note to burn his robes and take a shower using a strong lewis acid. After an hour of the duo enduring a sailor's hell, they arrived at the volcano lair. The volcano lair was a small, offshore atoll with an open side and a sizeable volcano placed behind the central lagoon. The volcano had a small docking port facing the open side to which they stowed the boat and hosed it with aqua regia. Through the docking port they entered the main lobby. The lobby was quite devoid of furnishing, especially in light of the levels of what one would come to expect from a volcano lair. "I've been unemployed since the whole fiasco at Hogwarts, so I haven't been able to afford decorations. I actually had to sell off a few things." Billy Magnum stated. "Fact is we don't exactly have time to mope around. Come, to the volcano office." Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain walked up an abnormally long flight of stairs to the volcano office. The volcano office seemed to be the most decorated room of the lair. A long desk of mahogany wood and a cushy rolling chair greeted Billy Magnum. Seals and tomes, some written in Cuneiform, others in Germanic Runes, and some in Latin, littered the desk. Staffs and wands were hung on plaques and the works of eldritch madmen were grouped on book shelves. Billy Magnum rummaged through the drawers of his desk before he pulled out a box labeled "Phlebotium, Vis and Magic Mutagens" and placed it on the desk. Billy Magnum then produced a man-sized cauldron and begun filling it with various liquids pulled from the box. The solution within the cauldron became a glowing green liquid with an uneven discoloration much like oil on water. "Brother Berenstain, place Naruto on the desk." Billy Magnum ordered. Brother Berenstain acknowledged and gently settled Naruto onto the desk. Billy Magnum pulled from the drawers a bottle of cream simply labeled "Skub." "Are you fucking kidding me? You're using that shit? Do you have any taste in anything?" Brother Berenstain growled. "Just shut the fuck up, I'll use what I want. It works you chucklefuck. You obviously don't know how to use it you mouth-breathing useless piece of shit nigg- wait a moment." Billy Magnum caught himself and looked at the warning label on the bottle. "Warning: May cause unnecessary rage." Billy Magnum read aloud. "Oh crap, sorry friend." Brother Berenstain apologized. "Likewise." Billy Magnum responded.

Billy Magnum ripped off Naruto's shirt and began applying the Skub extremely liberally to his armpits. Naruto's nipples became erect from the application, which Billy Magnum winced at the sight of. Billy Magnum lifted Naruto and threw him head first into the cauldron, his legs hanging over the side. A thick cyan smoke filled the volcano office which smelled faintly of frankincense and purified all that it touched. Billy Magnum's robes, absolutely consumed in dried vomit were cleaned entirely and had the smell of a fresh batch of laundry. Brother Berenstain's fur, matted with vomit, entrails, blood, mud, and cerebrospinal fluid became utterly spotless and beheld the softness of a chinchilla. As the smoke began to clear, a silhouette penetrated through the shroud. The smoke had cleared, it was Naruto. Naruto had aged ten years and acquired a powerful body. His personality had been extensively modified, his pseudo-autistic disposition all but annihilated. Naruto looked at his new body, observing every angle of his arms and admiring the shape at every shift in the viewpoint. Naruto looks upon Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain and smiles. "Wow, I don't believe it."

"We've given you a better person." Billy Magnum said proudly. "I don't doubt it." Naruto's smile turned to a half-frown. "But there is a catch isn't there?" "A small one." Billy Magnum responded. Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain explained their objective and the events that had lead up to Naruto's conversion, even the part about the rifle. Naruto was advised about his captors' need to find Sasuke. They made haste for what Naruto considered Sasuke's possible location. The voyage to Orochimaru's festering fuckpalace of creepy and gross shit was a long endeavor, but far more cushy as Billy Magnum had rented a car this time. Soon enough, Brother Berenstain had managed a whiff of Sasuke and the trio abandoned their car in a forest clearing to proceed on foot. Billy Magnum pulled out his binoculars and zeroed in on three figures. Karin, a red-headed, nearsighted girl with the hots for Sasuke's despairing D was on the left. On the right, a bluish-white haired effeminate man known as Suigestu with a really large sword. In the middle was Sasuke himself dressed in an extremely loose kimono and armed with a katana. "Naruto, scout ahead and acquire any information that will help us in subduing Sasuke." Billy Magnum ordered. Naruto acknowledged and made extreme haste to a boulder five meters away from the approaching group of three. "Sasuke, when are you going to give me the chocolate?" Karin asked lewdly. "There is no point." Sasuke responded, drier than a Saharan corpse. "There is no reason in the universe, life is meaningless and no meaning can be made. Morals are man-made and do not exist, there is no point to following them. The world isn't real, nothing is real. The world is nothing." Those words reverberated through the world, into space, and into another universe.

In the small village of Röcken, Germany, the ground shook. A man in his tomb of dirt and wood awoke from his century-long slumber. The ground shook harder and harder. An explosion roared from the cemetery and a pillar of dirt rose into the air, now a pillar of stone as it hugged the open sky. As the pillar reached the stratosphere, the pillar became of lava. The pillar continued until it reached the limits of the exosphere, the final border between Earth's atmosphere and the vacuum of space. A wave of blue energy roared from the end of the exosphere, spanning over the entirety of Europe before receding into a cascade of auroras. Naruto moved back to Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain's position. "Is Sasuke still an emo twit?" Brother Berenstain asked. "Worse, he's a nihilist." Naruto responded. A portal screamed open in the air meters away from Sasuke. A man appeared out of it and kicked Sasuke in his temple, knocking him out colder than superfluid helium. The man landed himself upon the rocky ground and faced Sasuke's teammates. "Run," was all he said and the two bolted away at the greatest speed their bodies and abilities could carry them. The man then looked upon Billy Magnum, Brother Berenstain, and Naruto a good length away from Sasuke and shouted to them. "Nihilism is man's greatest crisis. When all meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, and essential value are taken out of the world and out of existence itself, we will find humanity erased. This is something that is not acceptable. To say that nothing truly exists, to turn a blind eye to your very senses, is the words of a man in to which the only thing that does not exist is his mind." The man walked off towards the horizon so that the world may for a thousand generations recoil three words: Nietzsche is back.

If the trio's jaws hanged any lower, they would have burrowed through the ground. They quickly took Sasuke's unconscious body to the parked car and drove away, fearing that if they took their time, they would have had to deal with Sasuke's compatriots. The drive back to the coast was uneventful and so was the boat ride back to the lair, since Brother Berenstain made sure to hold his head over the side. The conversion was also relatively uneventful. Sasuke, much like Naruto, was aged 10 years, acquired an enhanced body, and had his primary negative traits wiped. Sasuke had become stoic and cynical, but was also far more capable of smiling now. "I have a question Billy Magnum." Sasuke said. "You may ask." Billy Magnum responded. "Why exactly did you convert us?" Sasuke asked. Billy Magnum took a deep breath. "Well, since I had quit my job at Hogwarts, I was unable to find a job anywhere else. Turns out the job market was already oversaturated with sorcerers. I had spent the last two years going through my savings and selling off the things that were the most valuable. Now my pockets are almost completely dry. I had met you two six months before I resigned from Hogwarts and reflecting back upon it, I realized that you two would be my saving grace. You were both ninja prodigies and had extensive character flaws which made you two exceptionally disliked. Nobody would miss either of you, and I would be able to make you two into something better. But now I must make my offer. I don't expect undying loyalty from you two; I would have enthralled you both if that was what I wanted. All I ask is that you two share with me the wealth you acquire from your adventures, and in return you may have full access to my volcano lair. I can assure you that there is still plenty left for you to use."

Sasuke held his hand to his chin in thought before finally reaching a conclusion. "I will accept your offer." Sasuke looked at Naruto, who then looked at Billy Magnum. "Yeah sure man, I can do that." Naruto said. Sasuke and Naruto made for the docks and departed to the mainland. Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain watched as they exited the atoll. "Brother Berenstain, my offer also extends to you." Billy Magnum said. "I will gladly accept." Brother Berenstain responded. "But one thing before I go to prepare the rooms." Billy Magnum said. "When we first met, why were you in a state of boundless fuckrage?" Brother Berenstain smiled.

"Crack is wack."


	2. Sleepless Genitals in San Francisco

At this point I'd like to mention that I'm not going to be the only one working on this. In fact, three other people are assisting me with this work. These gentlemen are Ron Peeler, elongated bird, and Shiggy Diggy Supreme Overlord. Shiggy Diggy Supreme Overlord has in fact written the entirety of this chapter.

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke, now unbounded by their crippling phallus dependencies, felt the prying urge to harvest the pussy crops. They were dazed and confused about what to do quench their pussy thirst and decided to travel back to the island. The two walked up to Berenstain's room. Naruto walked up to Berenstain, "Hey Berenstain quick question, where can I get my dick wet?" Asked Naruto.

Berenstain pulled his attention away from his issue of "Woodland Whores" and put his paw under his chin and recollected on the locations of which he obtained the most pussy. He finally pinned the location to Slut Fuck Island, an isolated island resting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, a few miles off the coast of San Francisco. He shivered at the thought of what they'd have to travel through to get there. Never before had he clenched his anus any tighter than he did during his journey through the Heartland of Homosex. During his trek, he had multiple encounters with the dreaded Assbandits, the sexually repressed band of traveling ass rapists on rollerblades. The Speedo Dongers were still burned into his memory, forever haunting his dreams.

"Slut Fuck Island," Brother Berenstain began." But I must warn you. In order to reach the oasis of pussy you must first travel through the deserts of flamboyant homosexuality, San Francisco." Naruto and Sasuke simultaneously cringed upon hearing the name of the city to not be named. "Yeah, you heard me." Brother Berenstain said. "I don't even want to say it again but I will, San Francisco. This will be the most perilous journey you will ever partake in, but the reward in doing so will be well worth the effort. Take a moment to think this over; I don't want to send you on a trip you are not prepared for, especially one of this magnitude."

Naruto thought it over, Sasuke as well. They both thought long and hard about the danger of the journey, but the rewards to reap were just too tantalizing for them to resist. No danger was too tough for them to handle, now that they were unburdened by their crippling character flaws. The two monuments to masculinity nodded at Brother Berenstain with the most determined looks the bear had ever seen. "I accept the challenge!" Exclaimed Naruto. "Let's do it," agreed Sasuke. "It seems you're both in the right state of mind to undertake this challenge, but I have something that you will need." Berenstain handed the two men the FALL. "I couldn't be more honored, are you sure you want us to have it?" Sasuke asked as he hesitantly took the rifle from Berenstain. He could feel the power radiating off of the handguard. "I wouldn't be handing it to you if I wasn't sure." Brother Berenstain responded. They stood in silence for a few seconds.

"But you need to do something for me; you need to end the reign of the Assbandits. Being a bear, a few rollerbladers with dildos wasn't much of a challenge to handle. They were dealt with quickly and effectively, but they are the reason San Francisco fell to a totalitarian reign of homosexual fantasies. They pushed the last straight men and women out of their new state and forced them to relocate, thus creating Slut Fuck Island. I want you two to end the King of Homosex's life and save the city."

He gazed down upon the two men, a look of doubt emblazoned upon their faces. Maybe they weren't ready after all. But they looked upon the beauty of the rifle in their hands and then at Berenstain. If they did this, they would be heroes to San Francisco. And even if things took a turn for the worse, they would die as martyrs. And that still wasn't too bad, as long as they made sure they didn't get raped they would be ready to rumble. "We will make sure he gets what's coming to him."

And so the men set off on their quest, armed down to their pubic hairs and dead set on liberating San Francisco from their flamboyantly gay overlords. They had gathered as much Intel on the King of Homosex as they could before they set off. He had taken power during the early 70's, pillaging tight male asses and spreading terror among the masses with his equivalent of Mussolini's Blackshirts: The Assbandits. He faced fierce resistance from the local moderate homosexual rebellion, unable to defeat them for the longest of time before he ended the stalemate by calling upon millions of reinforcements from countless Bravo Channel fan clubs across the Cheeseburger Republic; promising them safe haven and enough dirty sanchezs to go around. He ruled up until now, and the duo was going to make sure he wouldn't be in power for another year. The king's name was Alejandro Buttbuster. The name alone was enough to make the pair vomit in their mouths.

They had finally neared the outskirts of the city, the sounds of intense anal orgasms reverberating across the night sky and the thick stench of Axe Body Spray hanging low and thick in the air, burning their throats. "What the fuck is that thing?" Said Sasuke, pointing at some wretched old soul pushing a shopping cart full of butt plugs. He was calling out, "Get your Anus protectors, don't be caught off guard!" He caught a glimpse of the two standing in the middle of the Highway. "You two! Yes you two, a pair of guys like you ought to get some ass protection before attempting to journey through there. The dicks will be flying at your asses at mach 1 speed! Unless you two are into that kind of thing, I highly recommend these bad boys." He gestured to the buttplugs, each one labeled "Property of Bad Dragon Incorporated." "We're good," Naruto said as he sped up his pace. "Yeah," Sasuke said as well, going from a walk to a jog.

They rapidly approached the outer gates, a massive gate resembling a man spreading his anus. Around it were hundreds of horny flaming homosexuals wearing skimpy biker outfits with ass cutouts. They all glared at the duo as they approached.

"You two, you look awfully..." The duo braced themselves, awaiting a fight. "Happy together, two weary travelers like you are going to have to take a load off. The nearest hotel is 3 blocks down, can't miss it." "Sweet baby Jesus," thought Naruto, "Those guys think we're a couple." Sasuke looked at him uneasily, the same thought on his mind. They both looked up ahead, the Bikers growing suspicious at the two standing awkwardly next to each other. Sasuke's hand gripped Naruto's, his palm greased with sweat. "The fuck are you doing," whispered Naruto, his hand pulling slowly from Sasuke's in a motion intended to go unnoticed. "Trying to blend in you fucktard, keep it natural. Stay calm."

A few of the bikers seemed ready to call them out on their suspicious activity but decided to ignore it. The gates began to slide open, in what felt like half a century for the two. "Stay calm, almost in." Sasuke whispered once more, his eyes slowly scanning the guards. "Fuck you," whispered Naruto, sweating bullets and shuffling uneasily. Finally the anus gate was gaping and Naruto rapidly broke into a slow jog, jarring Sasukes shoulder and pulling him ahead. Once they were inside, Sasuke pulled his hand away from him and wiped the sweat off on his shirt. "Never again."

"Agreed." Said Naruto, also wiping his hand across his shirt. He felt the need to punch something in the face and was tempted to belt Sasuke one. As they stood on the opposite side of gate, on the brink of murdering each other, they had the sudden realization that they weren't out of the woods yet. Around them were tons of flamboyant gays publicly exposing themselves and having circle jerks in small crowds. They weaved through multiple circle jerks and small crowds and eventually approached a small information kiosk caked in dried semen and various other unspeakable fluids.

"Aww you two are just adorable, man I wish I had myself a nice strong one like you," said the man behind the desk in an overly stressed and annoying voice, looking at Sasuke with a suggestive look in his eyes. The two stood emotionless for a few seconds before Naruto snatched a map and a pamphlet from the desk and jogged off. Sasuke cracked a forced smile and then followed. "You're going to get us caught," Sasuke whispered to Naruto, picking up his pace to catch up to him. "Eat shit, I got us a map."

Sasuke snatched it out of Naruto's hands and read it. "Are you shitting me?" He exclaimed upon opening it. "What?" Said Naruto leaning over. "Oh god, the entirety of it is in comic sans." Sasuke's eye twitched slightly, but he took a deep breath and repressed to urge to stab a few passer bys out of spite. "I'm just about done with this shit, after we kill this king dude let's just fucking nuke this place from orbit," Sasuke said as he tripped a man skipping by them and smiled when he heard him let out a quick cry of pain. They pinned down the location of the palace and soon made it to the plaza. Multiple Jumbo Trons were broadcasting gay porn and crowds gathered to watch.

The duo slipped into an alley to talk over their plan. "Alright so we gotta sneak in unnoticed and take this guy out discreetly," Sasuke said. "Did you notice that they just let us walk in with a massive fuck-off rifle and some swords and shit?" Naruto interjected. Sasuke looked down at his gear. "So they did." The two stood in silence for a few seconds then continued talking.

"There's got to be some way into this king's office that we can sneak into." Sasuke said, noticing that Naruto was getting impatient. "OR, OR, we can just walk in and SHOOT OUR WAY UP!" Naruto exclaimed, pulling the FALL away from Sasuke. Sasuke resisted and pulled back, they both pulled the gun back and forth, neither gaining ground until a round went off during the struggle and they both let go of the weapon and let it fall to the floor. The two turned towards the direction the round was sent and saw a homeless man dead on the floor.

"Fuck."

The two walked out of the alley casually, Sasuke holding the rifle behind his back and walking awkwardly facing the crowds moving about. They eventually decided to go to the top of the nearby observatory that gave them a clear view of the palace's layout. As they stood on the top, they only got slapped on the ass five times by random strangers as they conversed about their plan. "Alright, so if we manage to find a way onto the roof we can sneak in through that big skylight in the middle and get the drop on them inside." Sasuke stated. Naruto squinted and nodded, "Yeah that could work."

Sasuke leaned partially over the edge and looked down, judging the gap between the two structures. "What if we found some way to zip-line over there?" Sasuke wondered. Naruto nodded, "Yeah sure let me just take out my fucking zip-line gun then, good thing I have that on hand. Never know when you'll need to zip-line to a fucking palace and assassinate a dictator." "Are you fucking sassing me?" Sasuke snapped.

Just as the two were about to duke it out the elevator behind them opened, and a bunch of men in flamboyant biker outfits strutted in with their hands on their hips. "Busted." Said the guard in the front. The two were rounded up and stripped of their weapons and stripped in general, making the duo fear for the safety of their assholes. Naruto was swearing profusely but Sasuke stayed compliant. "This is all because you wanted to get your fucking dick wet. You know you could've just gone to a bar or just picked up a hooker if you were desperate enough," Sasuke mumbled.

The duo were eventually lead into an office, and a man sitting behind a desk at the far end of the room swiveled around in his chair. "Hola, we're going to have some fun."

It was none other than Alejandro Buttbuster.

Alejandro stood up from his desk and licked his lips. "Oh boys you didn't have to bring me catering!"

The two began sweating once more; it seemed there was no escape now. "I've got a plan." Sasuke managed to whisper out of the side of his mouth. Naruto's eyes darted towards him. "Well?" Naruto said, turning his head partially around to get a view on the guards, he couldn't be any more vulnerable if there was a target on his ass. "I'm going to use my Sharingan and anticipate this guys moves so can counter them and get my hands free. But I don't have my hands free, so I can't make the necessary hand symbols to do so." Sasuke said.

Naruto sighed. "Wait, what the fuck do the hand symbols do? I mean if we have the necessary power to unleash fucking magic powers stored in us why do we have to do a bunch of bullshit hand symbols to release it? We should just be able to unleash this energy manually." Sasuke gave him a sharp look, "It doesn't work like tha-... actually you're making sense." Sasuke took a deep breath and held for a few seconds before letting out a long exhale. "Alright here it goes," Sasuke scrunched up his forehead and began concentrating as much as he could on the approaching homosex overlord. Then, without warning, a beam of hyper-charged photon radiation shot from his eyes and struck Alejandro directly between the eyes. His head exploded like a watermelon stuck by a .50 Cal; the watching guards froze up, unable to comprehend the sudden display of ultraviolence.

"I did not mean to do that."

The two managed to free their bound hands from the grips of the paralyzed biker thugs. Just as they did so, a few dozen Assbandits stormed in and began pushing aside the bikers. The duo quickly swerved around the room, looking for an escape route, and with the oncoming Assbandits quickly approaching, they finally found one: A secret hatch hidden beneath the desk of the newly deceased Alejandro Buttbuster. They flung it open and jumped down, not sparing a single second to think about what they were jumping into. The two fell a few feet and then landed on hard concrete. The hatch sealed once they stood up and began to squint through the darkness to see their surroundings. The lights began to flick on one by one, in a row, each light revealing a vat with another biker inside.

"What the fuck is this," Naruto walked town the rows, stunned at the sight of thousands of vats containing identical Assbandits. Sasuke followed behind, the cold shrinking his dick. "Maybe we should find some clothes." Naruto stood at the end of the row and then looked to his sides; there were hundreds more rows adjacent to this one. "Clothes can wait because we just found Alejandro's secret for maintaining power, all of these chap-wearing turbonerds are clones."

"Oh wow you don't say, I just thought they were taking a nap." Sasuke was rubbing at his shoulders and shivering. "Well let's just kill them all then go." Naruto chuckled under his visible breath. "Sure let's just kill all of these hundred thousands of clones, hermetically sealed in fucking iron tubes. Good plan, champ. Maybe if we hustle we'll make it to the island in the next few years."

Sasuke bit his lip then spun around to get a good look at all the tubes. "There's got to be some power source or something keeping these guys on life support. If we just smash whatever it is, we can walk out and let them all die in their tubes." "That can work," Naruto said as he tapped on a tube repeatedly to see if the figure inside was awake. Naruto walked ahead towards a pillbox-esque structure containing telemetry and some lab-coats. Naruto kicked the door in and watched it smash a doting scientist into the opposite wall and transform his flesh and bone into a thin paste. "Wrekt"

Sasuke instantly swiped a lab coat then investigated the various consoles and devices spread out about the front of the structure. He finally stopped at one labeled "Sex Liquids Control." "Well according to this, this sex liquid stuff is what's keeping all of the clone's hearts beating." Sasuke stated. "Then smash it," replied Naruto as he rummaged through the open locker of the dead scientist. He pulled out a shoebox labeled "Shota Boiz." It was sticky as fuck. "Ew."

Sasuke charged up his laser beams and shot a beam of energy at the console, causing it to burst into flames and the metal began to melt inwards. "Or I could just shoot it with a laser." Sasuke said. "That works," Naruto said as he fumbled with a lighter, trying to burn the box. The entire facility suddenly broke into flashing red lights and blaring klaxons. The doors behind them slid open to reveal an elevator, the walls padded with pink velvet with heart patterns. "Oh shit bitches; please exit the facility in an orderly fashion. Thanks, skanks." said a pre-recorded message. "I guess that means us," Naruto said, finally succeeding in burning the box and warming his hands over it. They both entered the lift and endured a full five minutes of an elevator version of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."

By the time the elevator finally opened, the pair was already contemplating suicide. They both exited and slumped over to take a breath, and then they realized they were in some sort of store room. "Hey Sasuke, our shit!" Naruto said, cocking back the charging handle of the FALL. The two found their clothes. "Did we really wear that shit?" Naruto was already attempting to burn his old clothes with the stolen lighter when Sasuke slapped it out of his hands and then continued to get dressed. "Alright, so the queen has been dethroned and the clones are dead, time to get our dicks wet?" Naruto said as he took off his pants and put them back on the right way. "Time to get our dicks wet," Sasuke smiled.

The duo recovered their equipment then made their way out of the palace. The guards and citizens inside running around and screaming like headless chickens amidst the blaring alarms. They walked out undisturbed and discovered that the entire city had spontaneously burst into a state of complete anarchy. Apartment complexes had been engulfed in flames, cars were flipped and ignited, and stores looted of any value. "News really spreads fast here." Sasuke ducked a rogue Molotov cocktail and tossed a kunai at the man who threw it. Before the two knew it, a van came to a screeching halt in front of them and the doors flew open. "You two, get in."

Naruto stood staring at the woman who had flung the doors open, "Wait a fucking second, Ellen DeGeneres?" The woman inside slid her palm down here face then sighed, "Yes, Ellen DeGeneres, now get the in before you get killed!" She stepped aside and gestured into the van. The two climbed in and the van sped off before they had a chance to close the door. Inside were multiple armed militants with Kalashnikovs and kaffiyehs. "The moderate rebellion, I assume?" Sasuke said.

Ellen nodded and bit the back off of a cigar and lit with the flaming severed penis of a biker then tossed the charred phallus out of the window. "You assumed right." The militants sat beady eyed between the spaces in their kaffiyehs and they breathed loudly in the silence. "So, why'd you come for us?" Naruto said as he waved his hand back and forth across one of the partisans eyes, the man sat motionless.

"You must excuse them, failed frontal lobotomies. There's still balls of dried semen in their brains somewhere. But they still fight like hell; you just have to change their diapers. And to answer your question, we're here to get you out." As they drove, a quick belting of 5.56 rounds riddled the van and killed the driver and his passenger. The van swerved about the road and then slammed into a guard rail. "Not good," Ellen pulled her underfolding AK from a duffel bag full of guns and unfolded the stock. She pulled the charging handle back then peeked out of the window behind her. She reached into the bag and tossed Naruto and Sasuke a Browning Hard Penetration handgun (like a Browning Hi-Power except with more power). Naruto, FALL armed and in hand, handed Sasuke his own pistol. Sasuke switched the safety off both of the handguns.

"On the count of three, we're going to jump out and hop over that guard rail, right into the water, alright?" Naruto nodded and Sasuke did as well. "One", a few rounds pierced the van's sliding door and grazed Naruto's shoulder. "Two," the blank soldiers sitting in front shuffled in their seats in anticipation. "Three!" The duo charged out of the doors, shooting erratically. They moved around the side of the van then hopped the rail, of which they then plummeted 10 feet into the ocean. They swam for a long while, under the golden gate bridge then towards a small set of docks housing a couple of yachts.

Upon making it to the docks, they regrouped in a warehouse and the duo was given boxes of supplies and another map, showing the path they'd have to sail to arrive at the island. "Beware, you might run into some resistance from the remaining Assbandit Coast Guard." She said, shoving the last box at Sasuke. They loaded the stuff onto the boat and got ready for the journey out to sea. Before they could set off, they realized they needed fuel first. "Hey Ellen, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but none of these yachts have gas! We checked!" Naruto called out.

"No problem, there's got to be some in here." She called on her men and told them to search for any fuel lying around. A few hours passed, and they still were unable to find any. "Look guys, my turn to deal out some bad news. There's no gas whatsoever everywhere we looked, and that means that we might have to head back into the-" "FUCK!" Naruto cut Ellen off and kicked a dent in the in the boat. "We're going to have to go back into that," Sasuke said, his voice hinting agitation. They both took a long look at the city, smoke billowing and buildings collapsing. As they watched the catharsis of the city unfold from afar, there was a boom, a massive one. A mushroom cloud rose over the buildings and engulfed the city in one giant orange flame. The crew stood in awe of the sight.

"What the fuck was that?" Naruto stood in shock. "A nuke numbnuts," Sasukes eye caught hold of a piece of debris headed in their direction. Before they knew it, it slammed into the docks, just inches from Ellen. "Would you look at that, fuel."

They fueled up the yacht and set off for their journey to Slut Fuck Island, relieved they wouldn't have to stay around the smoldering crater of what used to be a city. The journey into the pacific was a long and drawn-out endeavor that left the two men bored and seasick. They floated towards the general direction of the isle for what seemed like an eternity. The boat was a bright pink, labeled "The Love Boat" in white cursive along the sides. The smell of cheap perfume and anal excretions was deeply rooted in everything they touched. Eventually they could make out a black smudge hidden within the haze of the horizon.

They were relieved to have finally caught sight of their location and readied their gear for landfall. They finally were close enough to dock and they hooked their boats into a long concrete dock jutting out from a beach dotted with bushes and pine trees. As they got off, they noticed something was not quite right. Various mutilated deer carcasses were spread about the branches of trees and the jungle. As they continued farther and farther into the heart of the island, they made out what sounded like the low growl of a large animal. They finally made it to the village, and noticed that it was entirely populated by female bears wearing bikinis.

"Fuck." Naruto stepped back and began walking back to the dock, "Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuckeroo."

Sasuke slumped down to his knees and punched at the ground, "Did it ever cross our minds that we were asking a bear where to go to get laid? Goddamn it we're so fucking stupid, WE SHOULD'VE ASKED SOMEONE OF THE SAME SPECIES!" As he screamed into the jungle, a spear was brought level to his neck, poking at his jugular. "We're keeping you." Sasuke turned to see two men in furry suits, bearing wicked grins from ear to ear.


End file.
